5 Reasons why celebrities are the BEST figures at Madame Tussauds

Seeing that tourists need more direction, I have written this handy guide outlining why you should only be interested in the celebrities at Madame Tussauds, and completely ignore all the other people, who have probably contributed more to the course of human history than all of the occupants of the A-List Party put together. Why are celebrities so amazing, you ask? Well, read on and learn...

1. They're so sparkly! I mean, sure, Queen Elizabeth I has a crown and a whole lot of bling on her sash, and Henry VIII has all that pimpin' jewellery (not to mention loads of ladies - holla if you a playa by the name of Henry!), but Cheryl Cole has a freakin' TIARA!
2. These people are in MOVIES. Who wants to see boring old politicians, who you can see on the news for free? People are only worth your attention if you have to pay to see them. That's why strippers are so authentic and high-class*.
3. The celebrities are fashion-forward. Doublet and hose? That's so four centuries ago, dahling. And no more of those vintage military uniforms, like Saddam and Castro - it's been done before, and it only works when it's ironic. Nothing suits men like a suit, and nothing suits women like something sparkly (see item 1).
4. People who are alive are so much more cool than dead people. Your friends might actually believe that you've met J-Lo, you know? But it's highly doubtful that anyone would believe in your close personal friendship with Mahatma Ghandi: "We're bros, y'know.".
5. When you touch a fit waxwork, its fitness rubs off on you. Therefore, the only waxworks worth touching are the attractive ones. Sadly, this means that most of the world leaders, writers, artists and even Royals who have moulded and guided the world's recent history are out of the equation. Luckily, it still gives you leverage to try and have a look up Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's skirt.

*Note to any actual strippers reading this blog: I'm sorry. You're probably better than these celebrities. I only denigrate your line of work for comedic purposes. Not like it hasn't been done before.

Things to do on my day off:

On my days off, I like to think that I will be productive. This usually means I make a list of things to do, and then proceed to not do them. This week, I stupidly left my list on the desk while I went on break, leading my coworker/frenemy to modify it according to what he thought I should be doing.

In case you can't read it (and you probably can't, since this is a terribly shoddy picture), I've written it out for you below. Bold are his additions (which he originally wrote exactly the same as my handwriting... many people refused to believe that this wasn't my actual list of things to do).

 Things to do on my day off:
- Have a bath in asps milk
- Washing that man right out of my hair
- Sort out my clothes except the leathers which are fine
- Eat afternoon tears, preferably of a young Irish man
- Go to Primark/Clapham in General is a hole
- Paint my nails/talons
- Put pictures back up on the walls of the lair
- Grind bones to make bread
- Murder first born sons
- Cackle maniacally
- Men

Suffice to say, I didn't complete all of the items on my list.