5 Reasons why celebrities are the BEST figures at Madame Tussauds

Seeing that tourists need more direction, I have written this handy guide outlining why you should only be interested in the celebrities at Madame Tussauds, and completely ignore all the other people, who have probably contributed more to the course of human history than all of the occupants of the A-List Party put together. Why are celebrities so amazing, you ask? Well, read on and learn...

1. They're so sparkly! I mean, sure, Queen Elizabeth I has a crown and a whole lot of bling on her sash, and Henry VIII has all that pimpin' jewellery (not to mention loads of ladies - holla if you a playa by the name of Henry!), but Cheryl Cole has a freakin' TIARA!
2. These people are in MOVIES. Who wants to see boring old politicians, who you can see on the news for free? People are only worth your attention if you have to pay to see them. That's why strippers are so authentic and high-class*.
3. The celebrities are fashion-forward. Doublet and hose? That's so four centuries ago, dahling. And no more of those vintage military uniforms, like Saddam and Castro - it's been done before, and it only works when it's ironic. Nothing suits men like a suit, and nothing suits women like something sparkly (see item 1).
4. People who are alive are so much more cool than dead people. Your friends might actually believe that you've met J-Lo, you know? But it's highly doubtful that anyone would believe in your close personal friendship with Mahatma Ghandi: "We're bros, y'know.".
5. When you touch a fit waxwork, its fitness rubs off on you. Therefore, the only waxworks worth touching are the attractive ones. Sadly, this means that most of the world leaders, writers, artists and even Royals who have moulded and guided the world's recent history are out of the equation. Luckily, it still gives you leverage to try and have a look up Tara Palmer-Tomkinson's skirt.

*Note to any actual strippers reading this blog: I'm sorry. You're probably better than these celebrities. I only denigrate your line of work for comedic purposes. Not like it hasn't been done before.

Things to do on my day off:

On my days off, I like to think that I will be productive. This usually means I make a list of things to do, and then proceed to not do them. This week, I stupidly left my list on the desk while I went on break, leading my coworker/frenemy to modify it according to what he thought I should be doing.

In case you can't read it (and you probably can't, since this is a terribly shoddy picture), I've written it out for you below. Bold are his additions (which he originally wrote exactly the same as my handwriting... many people refused to believe that this wasn't my actual list of things to do).

 Things to do on my day off:
- Have a bath in asps milk
- Washing that man right out of my hair
- Sort out my clothes except the leathers which are fine
- Eat afternoon tears, preferably of a young Irish man
- Go to Primark/Clapham in General is a hole
- Paint my nails/talons
- Put pictures back up on the walls of the lair
- Grind bones to make bread
- Murder first born sons
- Cackle maniacally
- Men

Suffice to say, I didn't complete all of the items on my list.

Guide to being the most AWESOME tourist ever

Working in a major London attraction, I see a lot of tourists every day. Those who aren't from the United Kingdom seem to act as though they're following a set of guidelines for tourists published by some organisation that hands out pamphlets to every person who boards a plane/train/boat bound for Blighty. How else could you explain the almost wilfully ignorant behaviour exhibited by people at my place of work on a day to day basis?

I have searched tirelessly around the nether reaches of the internets to find evidence of such a list. However, my quest has been fruitless. These people must learn it through word of mouth, like a set of Chinese Whispers (is that racist? Hope not) passing across customs barriers. I feel that, since I have not found any evidence, it is my duty to document the amassed wisdom of tourists on these pages, so that future travellers to the fair isle of Britain can share in the same experiences as those before them.

Transport

• Take taxis in London whenever possible. Their high cost is outweighed by the way in which you will become intimately familiar with parts of London while sitting in traffic. Nobody on the Tube the leisure of counting all the windowpanes in a Park Lane hotel!
• If you must travel on the trains or Underground, do not buy an Oyster card. These emit harsh gamma radiation that can cause sudden blindness or impotence. When you use paper tickets, you also have tim to soak up the atmosphere of all of London's stations, as you try to figure out how to insert the ticket into the barrier.
• Do not stand on the right hand side of the escalators. This is a transport rule enforced by Royal Decree of the Queen. As you are not her subject, stand wherever you want! Those people who angrily push past or ask you to move only do so because they are healous of your country's freedom from Royal subjugation.
• The same applies to walking above ground as it does on the escalators. Brits are legally bound to keep to the left hand side of footpaths and stairwells. Proudly display your freedom from tyranny be walking all over the place!
• Walking quickly is only for the proletariat, who are shackled into jobs that demand punctuality. You re a seasoned world traveller, with nothing but time. Demonstrate your superiority be walking as slow as you possibly can, preferably in a large group. This will allow a crowd to gather behind you and marvel at how awesome you are.

Money

• Do not bother to learn what British money looks like. Memory skills are for those who are working, not holidaymakers like yourself. Every time you pull coins or notes out of your wallet you must check their denomination, in case they have changed appearance since the last time you used them.
• Use large denomination notes for very small purchases as often as possible. Shopkeepers are more than happy to empty their tills of all notes in order to give you change. Any apparent disgruntlement on their part is only envy that you have so much money in your possession at any one time.
• If you sign the back of your credit card, it will tempt thieves to steal it and then learn to forge your signature. An unsigned credit card is preferable for all electronic transactions in London.

Shopping

• Always linger in shops and cafes when it is obvious that they are closing. This sets you apart from the average tourists who were scared off by chairs being stacked around them and floors being mopped under their feet. It shows the lowly shop assistants that you are hardcore, and demands their respect.
• If you have not purchased at least ten items that say 'London' on them, nobody will believe that you have actually visited. Better buy every item in the shop, just to be safe.
• Queueing is a way in which the elite in Britain keep the lower classes 'in line', both literally and figuratively. As you are not British, you do not have to queue.
• Shop staff enjoy tricking customers by pricing items incorrectly. Even if there are prices for every item, you must ask someone how much each item is at least once just to make sure.
• Getting your money out before the cashier has finished putting through your order is premature. Like doing other things prematurely, this is rude. Wait until you have seen the total amount to pay before you even attempt to get your wallet out, then spend as much time as possible extracting money. This lets the person on the tills know that you respect their services and do not want to rush them.