What did your lipstick say about you this Valentine's Day, lady?

I’m a bitter and cynical person, so it will come as no surprise to you that I have no love for Valentine’s day. In fact, I’ve waited almost a week to blog about this, just so that it wouldn’t look like I was somehow tacitly endorsing the most horrible display of sentiment that happens on a yearly basis (lies: I was just too lazy to write).

So, I hate Valentine’s Day. I do, however, love all the sexist, gendered bullshit that comes out of the woodwork at this time of year (let’s just forget about the stuff that happens all year round, won’t we?)

One sparkler is this amazing list of what your lipstick says for you, from that bastion of critical journalism, The Huffington Post. Because, of course, women are like Victorian-era children, better seen and not heard.

Shut up and let your lipstick talk for you, woman!

Though you might not like what your lipstick says. Here’s the list from the article:

PINK LIPS say "I am sweet and you can introduce me to your mother"
FROSTED PINK LIPS say "I am a bit behind the times and you can introduce me to the 21st Century"
MATTE NUDE LIPS - " I considered wearing Birkenstocks tonight"
SHIMMERY GLOSSY NUDE LIPS - "Do you watch the Jersey Shore?"
CORAL LIPS - "I intend to be home in my PJ's by 11pm"
MATTE RED LIPSTICK - " You need to work hard pal"
GLOSSY RED LIPS - " Myself and my lip color is going to be all over you"
WINE COLORED LIPS- " Do you read Tolstoy?"
ROSE COLORED LIPS - " Are you Mr. Darcy?
NOTHING LEFT ON THE LIPS - "What's for breakfast?"

Is there any lipstick that doesn’t paint a disturbing picture? If I slap on some nude shimmery gloss during an impassioned discussion about Battlestar Galactica, are people going to suddenly think that I’ve cribbed all my info from Wikipedia?

Apart from perpetuating that old Madonna/whore dichotomy that women have to deal with on a regular basis (red means slut, pink means sweet and romantic), it makes us believe that every woman does and should wear lipstick. Notice how there’s no option for ‘no lipstick’ apart from ‘nothing left on the lips’, which implies you had some but have rubbed it all off (oooh, wonder how you did that, wink wink nudge nudge *vomit*)? If you don’t fit into this list, you’re not doing your woman-ness well enough!

(Though it must be said that ‘nothing left on the lips’ could also imply that it has all disappeared because you have been eating food, which I would totally be okay with, because as a woman-beast I enjoy to eat food OM NOM NOM NOM)

Some of the other suggestions for less-common lipstick colours are actually more interesting than they are stereotypical. Coral means that you’ll be in bed by 11pm? Well since Valentine’s Day this year was on a Monday, I’m assuming that a lot of people would have wanted to be in bed by 11pm because they have to get up early for work the next day. (oh, right, to be a good woman you should be at home cooking and cleaning for your man and not having such a thing as your own job! Nasty sign of independence, that.) If ‘in bed by 11pm’ is meant to be an insult (which I’m sure it is, implying that coral lipstick is only worn by losers with no life), then count me a loser, because I love to fucking sleep. In fact, sometimes I even spend a whole eight hours a night doing it! I know, WHAT A WASTE, right?

If wine-coloured lips really do ask ‘Do you read Tolstoy?’ I’m surprised my friend Kaylee hasn’t already run out to Boots and slapped some on. She has a penchant for well-read men, and if there were a quick way to pick out any literature loving guys without opening one’s mouth, I’m sure she’d be all for it. Sadly for Kaylee, and all us women who like our menfolk reasonably erudite, if wine coloured lipstick really asks people ‘Do you read Tolstoy?’ then anyone wearing is it likely to receive a chorus of  No’s as they walk down the street. How sad.

So next time you reach for the lipstick, ladies, think about what your lipstick is saying for you. Then fuck it and pick whatever you like, or don’t wear any at all. Let people judge you by what comes out of your mouth, not what’s on it.